Stardate: 80405:2031
Title: Fee Fie Foe Fum
Author: CMO Ted Matthews
Time: Current
Scene: Up a Beanstalk


Ted had not spotted any other crew members on his way back from market and as he approached the house from which he had earlier taken the cow, he saw the woman who had previously nagged him. The CMO started to have major regrets about selling that animal for a few beans.

~

Ten minutes and the verbal tirade was still going on. The woman threw the beans out of the window and a blanket at Ted and told him he could sleep on the sofa tonight. Unsure of the terrain outside and tired from the shouting, Ted slept soundly until dawn.

~

The beanstalk outside the house the next day stretched far up to the sky and beyond the clouds. Ted stood admiring the work of his three humble beans when a firm hand slapped him on the arm.

“You made it, you climb it.” Ted looked at the stern woman with disbelief.

“I don’t think so!” But the woman crossed her plump arms and frowned.

“Ogg.” She called out and a creature resembling an ogre appeared thumping a club into his hands. Ted didn’t need any further encouragement and instead started to climb.

Unused to so much physical exercise, Ted huffed and puffed his way up the beanstalk; every time he looked down the ogre-type creature waved his club in a threatening manner. So up and up he climbed...

He was currently in a thick layer of cloud and as he came out the other side he found himself surrounded by land.

Ted was exhausted and he assumed that it was some kind of disorientation that was making everything around him look ten times bigger than him. As he recovered from the physical exhaustion he realised that it was not a hallucination and that everything was in fact ten times bigger.

Even though Ted was half-Cardassian he had been raised by Human grandparents and so had figured out the fairytale he was living. He probably hadn’t thought too much of it before because everything had seemed so surreal, he was sure he would awaken soon, but that feeling was wading.

If memory served right he needed to find a house, a mirror - or maybe it was a harp - and a golden rabbit - or maybe it was goose...

Hunger pains prompted Ted into action and he soon found the house. On the table was a pie the size of the bridge on the Horizon. Feeling that it would be rude not to sample it Ted helped himself.

“Fee Fie Foe Fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
Be he 'live, or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread.”

“Dammit, I forgot that bit.”


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Lt. Commander Ted Matthews
CMO
NCC-72400
USS Horizon
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